Trichotillomania, ever heard of it?

Jess is a 27 year old wife and mama who runs a business in Waihi area, Whangamata and Paeroa teaching music lessons. She has been a singer-songwriter since she was 11 and loves to create anything that makes people think differently about life. To her, life is a gift to be made the most of and she loves to help anyone she meets do exactly that.

I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant, my husband was so happy, my in laws were so happy, my dad and the majority of my family and friends were happy for us, but my mum said exactly what I was feeling… “Oh well.” At 12 weeks of pregnancy my baby’s life was threatened and that was the moment I begged God to save my baby because I realised I really did want to have a baby.

Nine months later I held that beautiful little boy in my arms and I had this overwhelming sensation rush over me like a wave that was so powerful, I was swept under an ocean of feelings. Feelings of “what have I done” and “I am going to be stuck to this child that I love so much for the rest of my life” and “I will never be able to control him” and “I have no way to protect him from this cruel world” and not to mention “I feel so guilty for feeling all these feelings, I should be like other new mamas who just dote and adore their baby’s.” The next year was a bit of a blur. I remember crying multiple times in the shower and my husband would come in and ask what was the matter and through the tears I would tell him I had no idea. The thing is I did have an idea, I just felt so guilty, I didn’t want a single soul to know.

I became a stay at home mama for my baby boy, I kept myself busy by attending all the baby things, all the coffee groups, I became the RI teacher and Mainly Music instructor and I would sing for our church worship team while feeding a baby in my arms at the same time. I met a lot of people I would never get to meet but I had days at home that were long, that felt meaningless. Picking poop off the floor and being wee’d on countless times. Cleaning while someone else was making a mess and then cleaning again. Being a stay at home mama felt mundane and it felt like I had gone from a lively 22 year old who knew for sure I had a great future ahead of me to a 23 year old whose future was cleaning and then cleaning and cleaning… and maybe a bit of cooking and then cleaning after that.

It was on those days that I started sitting down and watching meaningless youtube videos, you know, the makeup tutorials or gossip talk shows. I remember having my hair out one day and seeing a strand of hair that had a split end. I got some scissor and cut the end off, it felt good, it felt satisfying, like I had accomplished something for myself, no more split end!  All of a sudden I had just wasted an hour looking for all of my split ends on each strand of hair and had cut them all. A week later I thought it would be a good idea to check my hair again and somehow I see a whole lot more split ends! Get the scissors out and cut them again… 2 hours gone that time. For 2 years that pattern kept going. Every time I would have any kind of free time at home, I would cut the imperfections out of my hair. Perfect hair, perfect life right?

After 2 years I went from using scissors to just pulling my hair. I couldn’t handle having any kind of imperfection in my hair. Every time I would see a strand of hair that looked imperfect to me, every time I would be in an argument with my husband, every time My kids would stress me out, any kind of stress, any kind of boredom, I would either cut it or pull it.

Well you can imagine what this would actually do to somebody’s hair and I was no exception. My hair became incredibly thin to the point of being incredibly noticeable. I would try to hide it because I knew that my family were talking about me, I managed to hide it from most of my friends. When my husband was at work I would pull and as soon as I heard his bike get home (he was a farmer) I would jump up and pretend I was doing something in the kitchen.

The shame of not being able to control a habit is very strange because everyone thinks you just need to snap out of it and stop it. I had this problem for 4 years before I was finally diagnosed with Trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder) – a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

I have tried to stop so many times. I have told myself that this is the last time and the very next day I would see an imperfect strand waving in the wind and the next minute I have just spent the next hour pulling hair. After 4 and a half years of trying to stop I finally begged God to help me. I have spent the last 6 months working on the root cause of my issues instead of striving to stop something I have absolutely no control over.

I realised the root cause started when I had my first child and I felt like all the dreams I had for my life had been cut off. I realised that I had told myself lies all through my life without even knowing I was doing it! I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m not worth anything, I will never be good at anything, nobody cares about you, you are 27 now so your life is over, you have failed God and failed everyone that has loved you. God showed me that this wasn’t true. That my life isn’t over and I’m not ugly, I’m not fat, It isn’t too late for me to learn how to be a disciplined person, it isn’t too late for me to make a difference in this world, to show kindness and love to everyone I meet.

It has been six months on this journey of beating Trichotillomania. I have not reached the destination but by the grace of God, I have reached the root causes and am slowly allowing God to love me and show me I am worth something. Me. Not me the mother, or me the wife, or me the friend, or even me the stranger, but just me.

I will keep you updated with my journey and the things I have done to beat this disorder!

To be continued…