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It’s me, Blake. Again. It has been a minute.
I’m a normal guy. At least I think so. I like football (Go Hawks), music, my family, and pizza rolls (because are you crazy pizza rolls are fucking amazing). I also think about killing myself daily. Hyperbolic? Maybe. But accurate? Uhhhhh yes. I actually do not hate myself. I acknowledge some very great qualities about myself; I am intelligent. I have drive (oh hi Master’s degree in May). I care for people. I am loyal to a fault. I also have major flaws. I mean…I do want to kill myself. This is an everyday thing. I also am selfish at this stage in my life (though I will say that’s out of self-preservation). I am an asshole out of fear of abandonment (Thanks Dad). I blame people for my problems instead of owning up to it. I spent 14 hours at school today; hours consisting of lecture, Teaching Assistant duties, thesis work and data consolidation. I also was locked out of the office due to (my) negligence that exacerbated everything. What did I do after? I went to the bars. Initially, I wanted food. Then I settled for a beer and a shot of Jameson. A shot of Jameson and an IPA later (and some regrettable texts), I found myself at another bar, lamenting my life choices, status of love life, and what the fuck I was actually doing with my life. My constant yearn for someone to share in my misery has been dwelling, and weighing me down. It’s all bullshit. Truly. I eventually left that bar, but I actually asked for an application to bartend. I thought it would make me feel connected. It was the perfect place. Downtrodden, casual clientele, easy. Despite my deranged judgement, I did not fill out an application. I decided to leave (after I paid a 10-dollar tab for 2 beers and a shot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). As I drove home (I did not drink THAT much, and I only sent 1 suicide text), a certain song came on: “And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am I’ll grow old and start acting my age I’ll be a brand new day in a life that you hate” For whatever reason, these lyrics by the fantastic Brand New made me want to write for you all. I do not know why. On my drive home, the thought of writing made it worthwhile. A reminder that putting the proverbial pen to paper actually helps. Life is shitty (a lot of times). And my mindset has not changed. But I have come to the realization that no matter how inadequate I feel, writing has not failed me in feeling at least a little better. Stay with me as I work through this. Maybe you will laugh a couple times. Thank you all and stay tuned. |
