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Self Esteem and Depression
Happy Halloween(ish) you filthy animals. I hate this holiday. I am back to discuss self-esteem and the perpetual struggle of not hating who you see in the mirror. Depression sucks. Low self esteem sucks. People generally suck. Correlation? Probably, maybe, I have no idea. It might just be in our heads (I am not sold on this). There is something about depression, the pervasive dread it brings, that manages to seep its’ way into everything. How ridiculous can a simple thought of “you’re not good enough” so heavily impact absolutely everything? Or someone not texting back, or calling, or showing up, or stealing money from you, from family, abandonment, lies etc etc etc. It is a story as old as time, but it always makes you feel like shit. Is this on us? Others? The big bad world? Sammy Hagar’s Van Halen (see: yes)? If you’re like me (oh I am so sorry…we have a support group. Working on making jackets), these instances hit us harder; whether that is through personal experiences shaping us, biology making us more sensitive, or maybe a little of both. I hide my feelings, for a bit, and then explode on someone. Tear everything up. And somehow morph it to where I am the perpetual victim. “Wow, they left. They lied. They don’t care about me!” Self esteem goes downnnnnn. And downnnnn. I am a liar. To myself most of all. I’ll listen to sad songs, and find myself relating to the lyrics. In these moments, what the fuck am I actually connecting to? Some weird self pity? Am I that good of a liar that I can make MYSELF believe something so convincingly? The things I tell myself. It is allllllllll someone else’s fault. While I know in a lot of these instances other people do shitty things and I am not always to blame, I absolutely have to take some blame. And I know this. I have come to the realization that I impact my low self esteem as much as anyone else. I legit hate myself for my actions and thoughts (and maybe a little bit from others). It is a challenge to look in the mirror; not necessarily because the sight is hideous (hey, you shut), but rather when I look in that mirror I see a cowardly person who struggles to hold up to his word, hold strong in his convictions, and be a pushover to anything with a sob story. I want this pattern to end, and I am working on it. I am actively trying to move through trying times, and try to forget bad memories from the past, and bad people from the past, and I do not care anymore what the fuck those people think. I have a goal for the next month or so: first, I have stopped drinking. It has been a lot less fun and a lot more downer in the most recent weeks, so that is officially not a part of my routine anymore. It’s been a week and a half and I like it (though social gatherings are hard). Second, I am forcing myself to say something positive to myself every morning in the mirror. I may run out, but then I guess I will have to keep lying to myself, but this time for good. A Spiderman sort of scenario; with great power comes great responsibility. Right Uncle Ben? Until next time folks, thanks for listening. We have got this. |
