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Are you ever afraid to go to sleep because you fear what you might see? That your failings, insecurities, and bad choices in life will all show up and kick your ass, take your lunch money, and leave you for dead?
Yeah…uh….me neither. Maybe it is because it is the holiday season, or that everyone and their fucking mom is acting cute with their significant other. Fuck off (I am just jealous, but still, fuck off). I have always been a night owl, and have pushed myself to try to not need sleep. Turns out, I still need it (no shit, Blake). I am terrified of falling asleep and having to deal with the shit in my subconscious. I am really good at lying to myself, but in my dreams, I am without defense. How can you really talk about this with other people? People always ask “how are you” or “what’s going on”; I promise if I actually let my opinion or feeling be known, it would be the most uncomfortable shit. The classic “maybe you should see someone” is always fun; the stigma with that from people that say that is palpable. To someone that has their shit figured out, is happy, etc, hearing about this rattling in my head would be ridiculously unrelatable. So I sit here on my couch, watching Office reruns, running from sleep, my choices and faults to the tune of Michael Scott acting like an idiot. I keep convincing myself that writing about depression, how I struggle with it, and my bullshit helps me cope…and I am not so sure that it really works. It does take up time. So there’s that. I would like to close my eyes and see absolutely nothing. That sounds blissful. Serene. Maybe I am all in my head (per usual), and that it is not that bad. But maybe I am not. I mean…but then again there’s always another episode.
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