Nearly 30 years it’s taken me. I’ve carried this thing around for a while now.
Lurking in the background, sometimes hovering in the subconscious, other times standing right there and yelling at my face.

Well guess what old mate fear of not being good enough, your time is up. Because it wrecks havoc , it’s a lie, and it holds us back.

I’ve realised over the last year, that I tend to do this thing, I hold back, a lot. In relationships of many forms, I am slow to share bits of my life and myself with others. I haven’t pinned down the why, but I think it’s a whole lot of things. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of underachieving, fear of being weak, fear of dissolving into a puddle of tears in public.

And you know what? It doesn’t do anyone good and it especially does a disservice to us girls as a whole. If definitely does not help a sister out.

The more I have allowed ( sometimes forced) myself to be vulnerable, to be open about the broken bits, the cracks and the flaws the more I have grown in connection with others. The more healing that has taken place both in me and in someone else. The less someone else feels alone, the less someone else feels like they are the only one or they are not good enough.

For years, I’ve literally cried at times over all the other women in my life who have their shit together. Who I have perceived as having it all, doing it all and being it all whilst maintaining a perfect figure, eating like paleo pete evans and never having chipped nail polish. All the while I was so reluctant to share the less than has it all together version of myself!! Absurd!

Now, there’s nothing quite like comparison to rob you of joy.

But I realise did nothing to help this idea of the has it all girl NOT BE A THING.

The turning point was when a good friend at a certain time in my life said to me “your life is so perfect and it’s all together and it’s not fair” and mates, that shattered me. This friend had watched me fall apart over years of an abusive relationship, watched me hit rock bottom and scrape myself off the floor physically and mentally. I had to fight nail and tooth to get to where I was at that point. Her words totally picked that whole thing up and threw it away like it didn’t matter or ever happen. And that felt awful. I was really hurt by it for years. But you know what? Now I see, I was never honest about the hard stuff, I never even touched on it. So why would she see it any different? I never talked about it! For all she knew, I was doing ok all along and had for some reason not been affected at all by what had happened. So in that moment, we both stood there, her in her hard place feeling alone and me feeling like myself and my story didn’t matter and those old feelings of unworthiness flooding back. We were both robbed of what could have been a healing and redeeming moment for us both. What a waste! Lesson learned. Stop holding back.

That thing you carry round, drag it out into the light.

I’m not suggesting we all air our dirty laundry at every given moment but I am suggesting that we share us, the real us, to those we love. Not only for what it does within us but for the sake of others who are doing it tough, feeling like they aren’t enough because every one around them does everything better. There have been times I’ve been on struggle street, feeling like I’m not good enough and a friend without knowing where I’m at has thrown back two long blacks and told me how they are all over the show and been nothing but honest about where they are at and seemed so comfortable sharing that and I wanted to hug her so tight and say THANK YOU.
I’m working on being more honest in my relationships with where I am at, where I have been and where I am going. Because if it means someone else doesn’t feel so alone in their brokenness, in their anxieties, in their perceived short comings, in their despair and if I can stand with them, cry with them, pray with and for them, walk with them, then that’s true relationship. When we are honest, it says I see you girl, and you are not alone. You matter. You are enough. You are loved.

Let’s not let the lie of “the girl who has it all together “be a thing.

Let’s let love and realness be a thing and a place from where we can build each other up, hold each other up and drag each other through to the other side.

Author: Sophie Esselbrugge