Love without conditions

I could talk about mental health from so many angles but one of the biggest things I get from people all the time, is the idea that someone facing mental illness is undeserving of love.

Most people say things to me without realising their words are implying my anxiety and depression makes me unloveable. Daily I feel this constant pressure to fix myself, to cure my OCD, to wake up one day as this chilled carefree person and then maybe I’ll be good enough for a relationship.

I am a pretty open book when it comes to my journey with anxiety and depression but even I feel like I will need to hide it, in order for someone to like me. Whatever happened to unconditional love. Whatever happened to the kind of love that faces a battle together. There is so much unspoken pressure on people with mental illness, to face everything alone. I often feel like people think if you take medication or need a friend to help you overcome a fear, people think you’re not really strong and not really trying.

I’ve only ever had one relationship and I felt like I had to keep my anxiety a secret when we had dinner with his family. When I feel anxious around people, I lose my appetite to the point where I feel sick at the thought of having to socialise and eat food at the same time. I remember having panic attacks in front of him and feeling so humiliated and ashamed afterwards. I guess after ending that relationship, I feared I would never find love again or that every other relationship would make me feel that alone in my mental struggles.

When you suffer from anxiety, life in general feels like one big disappointment and I don’t think most people realise they contribute to the disappointment by pressuring us to get better before we get to be loved. I know mental illness is with me for life, so it often leaves me feeling hopeless.

Sure I work on myself and this year alone I have faced many of my biggest fears alone and while I am proud of me for that, facing those things with a love in my life would have been greatly appreciated. I am learning to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with being anxious and wanting to love and be loved. However it can be very triggering for some people, to be told they need to solve all of the problems in their head before they are allowed a goodnight kiss or a cuddle in bed.

Having mental illness does not make anyone incapable of expressing great love to another and wanting a hand to hold is not just a reward for the mentally stable. We all deserve our little fairytale, whether we have climbed Mt. Everest or are still on our climb up. The war in our heads should not destine us for isolation and a lifetime of loneliness.

Be gentle with your words. Most people who open up about their mental health, just want you to validate their feelings rather than shut them down and give crushing opinions. Depressed and anxious people need encouragement and hope. Telling them they aren’t good enough for love yet, can be very disheartening. Don’t be that person. Let’s just understand someones hearts desires and remind them they deserve a medal for the run they are on, even if they haven’t quite made it to the finish line yet. Perfection is not goals. Being raw, real and relatable should be the qualities we value. Maybe then people wouldn’t feel so worthless.

– Joy Glover